What Alcohol Should I Drink Tonight?

What Should I Drink Tonight?

When It comes to choosing a beverage you want to enjoy before a night out on the town, as a responsible drinker, you have to be extra careful. Like so many things in life, different types of liquor will yield wildly different results when consumed in high quantities, emphasis on the WILD.

You really need to decide what kind of night you wanna have. Do you wanna chill out by the bar in casual conversation with a couple of friends? Do you want to work up the courage and gal to talk to that pretty girl standing by the pool table? To talk shit and get laid? Or do you just like, wanna wake up in jail? All these questions have answers, the following is a list of various, assorted types of liquor, and what your night is bound to look like if you decide to drink them.


This is an easy one. Beer is a classic choice for your average good timing son of a bitch. It really is the choice for someone who wants to pace themselves. Beer takes longer to drink than most any other type of beverage just by virtue of how heavy it is on the stomach. Not to mention running off to take a piss every six or seven minutes. The beauty of the beer is that it’s social, it’s weaker, it lets you stay sober long enough to actually enjoy your night. You can have 4 or 5 in the space of two hours and still seem entirely sober and sociable.

Whisky, Scotch, and Bourbon On The Rocks

Whisky is tricky. With so many different types to choose from, you never really know how it’s gonna play out. There is however, one thing we can tell you for certain: whisky WILL make you violent. It doesn’t matter if it’s your best friend, or some prick at the bar who grabbed your girlfriend’s rack, whisky will make you punch that person right in the dick. It’s what they used to drink in the old west…when duels were still cool and legal. It also makes you incredibly introspective. You’ll kick the living shit out of each other, then sit down on the sidewalk in deep conversation about your trials and tribulations, your hopes and your dreams. Hell of ride.


Yo-ho-ho. You’ll be drunk and belligerent and probably stealing other people’s drinks. Rum inspires an abundance of singing, dancing and…less than appropriate interactions with women. It’s a pirate drink, it’s ruthless and loud. If you decide to drink rum before a night out, it’ll be anything but ordinary. Ps. Don’t expect to get home or to have any meaningful interactions with other human beings.


Unless you’re James Bond or a white chick having a power cry on the front steps of the bar, don’t fucking drink gin.


Tequila is widely regarded as being little more than the liquid equivalent of firing a gun in the air as a way to contact the police. It’s boorish and rude and will more than likely land you in a prison cell by the time the night is out (or a hospital bed). It’s great if you’re feeling social and want your night to end with your shirt off and a tie wrapped around your head. Drink with caution.

Red Whine

Red wine was invented for people who feel like drinking a bottle and immediately falling asleep. If you plan on going out, red wine isn’t your best bet.

White Wine

Alternatively, white wine is a great way to start off a night of drunken debauchery. It’s light, but it’s also strong. Twelve per cent will take you a long way down the path of waking up in a ditch next to your house. White wine is the seed that takes root to form a room full of women shrieking at the top of their lungs and telling each other how beautiful they look in that dress. It’s good fun and fantastically entertaining.

Next time you go out, be responsible and do your research before making any hasty decisions about what you pour down your throat. It’s important to know how you react to each and every drink you make. Stay informed, and have a hell of a time.

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